Some Random Thoughts

   Hey gang! It's been a week since we returned to the sunny climes of Southern Ontario and I feel like I left you all high and dry with my last episode. Yes, we completed our first house sitting adventure and it was all the things we hoped it would be but, as I intimated earlier, there's more to come. Before I get into our future plans I thought it might be a good time to dredge up a few random thoughts about the past four months.

DRIVING

  Yes, we did a ton of driving, about 18,000 km worth. We drove on interstate highways and isolated desert backroads; in small towns with a single intersection and large, traffic-clogged cities; through blistering heat and icy hail. We drove through some of the most spectacular scenery in North America, an awe-inspiring panorama displayed on our windshield for hours on end. Driving a car allows you to see both the best and the worst a country has to offer and you get to make all the decisions, good and bad.

  Don't get me wrong. I love planes, trains and ferries too. I'm fascinated by big things that move. The difference is that I'm not in control; I have to go where they go and work my itinerary around them. When I drive I'm in control and, if you know me well, that's where I'm most comfortable.

  Driving wasn't all roses and sunshine though. If you followed us you'll remember the flat tire on one of the busiest stretches of I-5 south of Seattle. The endless flatness of eastern Wyoming, South Dakota and Minnesota was brain-numbing. That hairpin turn at the top of the mountain in the Sierras? Not so much. Sitting endlessly in traffic snarls in ______ (insert city name here).

  The biggest negative? Google Maps. Without a doubt. Not even close. Maps is the best driving aid yet conceived. Tell it where you want to go and it tells you how to get there after only a few seconds consideration. Ask it where the closest gas station, restaurant or grocery store is and, voila, answers galore. It's available everywhere. We used it navigating Mauritius and the townships of South Africa. Piece of cake. Except.

  Maps has an annoying tendency to default to the fastest route without considering how much faster that route is than the standard, everyone-goes-this-way route. Exhibit A, in South Africa, had us navigating potholed, goat-obstructed, ghetto lanes which were likely only two to three minutes faster than taking the established main roads. The same thing happened in Mauritius, resulting in trying to drive through one-lane alleys at night with no road signs. Well, it happened all over the U.S. too, without the pot holes and goats. It's taken a while but I've finally gotten into the habit of using the Android Auto icon for checking alternate routes before I commit to the recommended one. I take an extra minute or two but there's less goat shit on our car.

  The other annoying Maps trait is not telling you a turn immediately follows the one you're currently executing. This happened a lot in Minneapolis, making me look like an idiot tourist while I cut off other drivers and drove through cemeteries trying to correct for the immediate turn I just missed. You know what I'm talking about. It tells you to turn right then cross four lanes of busy rush hour traffic to turn left in twenty meters, except it doesn't tell you that until you've completed the first turn.

  Finally, there are assholes. Penny and I had a discussion about this yesterday after driving home from golfing with Ben and Sandi. She says I spend a lot of time yelling at people while driving. It's constant, she says. I don't disagree. After all, I'm pretty sure I'm the only competent driver wherever I go. Ok, not the only one, but the other guy had the day off yesterday. In the interest of maintaining my wife's sanity I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop criticizing every other driver's boneheaded decisions. I'll just hum a little tune or tap a finger on the steering wheel or develop a nasty nervous tic where one eye twitches uncontrollably. It'll be fine. I love driving.

STICKS

  The U.S. is filled with things on sticks. I think it started as a way to advertise to drivers on the interstate highways. Signs for gas stations went up on sticks so they could be seen a mile away. Then roadside restaurants and truck stops followed suit. This was followed by fireworks stores, casinos and adult superstores. There are sticks everywhere but that's not what I'm focused on. We sought out unusual things on sticks and were rewarded on a constant basis.

  Let's start with food. The ubiquitous corn dog is served on a stick. At county fairs in the Midwest they like to serve a pork chop on a stick. There's the smoked turkey leg which, although not attached to a stick, behaves like one when you grasp the leg bone. Ice cream on a stick, chicken and waffles on a stick, walleye on a stick... you get the picture. I guess it's environmentally responsible since the wooden stick is biodegradable and I'll leave it at that.

  Military on a stick. We saw a lot of fighter jets on sticks. There was one here, in Hamilton, that looked uncomfortable with a stick shoved up it's exhaust. In Minnesota there was a small airport with three jets with sticks inserted anally. We saw a tank on a stick. Jeeps on sticks. A cannon on a stick. Soldiers on sticks. Guns on sticks. I must be old but I remember when military artifacts were mounted on concrete bases with bronze plaques affixed. Sigh.

  We saw mammals on sticks, giant insects on sticks, furniture on sticks, a guitar on a stick, a piano on a stick, cars and trucks on sticks. You name it, it's on a stick somewhere. I can't count the number of times I had to crop photos of interesting objects because 75% of the frame was a stick. As a kid I played Pick Up Sticks. This was just plain Sticks. Enough about sticks.

HOTELS

  We stayed in a lot of hotels during our travels between house sits. We stayed in nice hotels and we stayed in shitty motels. We stayed in hotels in jerkwater towns and big cities. They all shared some weird characteristics.

  Pillows. There's a disturbing trend towards tiny, too soft pillows. Many of them. Most places have decided they need to supply four tiny pillows on a king-sized bed. It's weird. Giant bed. Tiny pillows. Ok, let's stack them up in piles of two. Nope. They're so soft you're in danger of suffocating as they wrap around your head as it sinks in. If they're on a too-soft bed then you're doubly in danger as, if you survive the pillows you'll end up with an aching neck or back in the morning. Rare is the hotel with a firm bed and decent pillows.

  Breakfast. Often included but rarely edible. Beware the budget-friendly hotel that includes a  "breakfast buffet". Imagine two steam tables, one containing wet, rubbery sausages the other powdery scrambled eggs from a carton. No good? You can always have a cellophane-wrapped muffin made by Otis Spunkmeyer. Yes, really. Look it up.

  There were a couple of places that provided an almost enjoyable breakfast with drinkable coffee and food that tasted like something but they were noteworthy in their scarcity. In general, we had better luck with fast-food breakfasts than we did with the "breakfast buffet".

  Speaking of coffee, like many of you, I grew up on the vision of Americans endlessly drinking coffee. A "cup of joe" was the iconic Yankee drink. You would think that would make Americans discerning coffee drinkers. Nope. Unless you want to pay for specialty cafe coffee or Starbucks every cup of coffee you drink in the United States will taste like dishwater... or worse. Tea? Forget it. It can be had but you've got to work at it. On the other hand, if it's something sweet or alcoholic you're in luck. No other country in the world is as sugar and alcohol-obsessed as the good ol' US of A. Every convenience store we entered had literal walls of coolers dedicated to sugary drinks and beer. No wonder obesity is a problem.

  Bathrooms. I get that an exhaust fan is necessary both from an odour-relieving and a moisture-relieving perspective but do they have to be connected to the light switch? There's nothing like getting up in to use the bathroom in the middle of the night only to turn on the light and a jet engine-powered exhaust fan starts up while you scramble to get the door closed before waking up everyone within a hundred yards. Try it, it's not fun.

CREDIT CARDS

  Ok, how difficult is it to effectively deal with credit cards at gas pump and restaurants?

  In Canada, every (I mean every) gas station allows you to pay at the pump using your PIN-enabled credit card. Every (again, every) restaurant brings a card reader to your table. No one takes your card. Hell, even backwards, can't keep the electricity running South Africa manages to use portable terminals at restaurants.

  Everywhere we traveled in the U.S. we had to be careful which gas stations we stopped at. The mainstream, top-dollar places had PIN-enabled pumps but the lower cost places used some bizarre zip code scheme to validate your card. There is a way for Canadians to do this but we had changed our address before we left on this trip and there was no consistency as to which gas companies were aware of the change.

  Restaurants take your card, run it through the register and bring it back to you to sign the register receipt. I remember doing this in Canada twenty years ago. The United States is supposed to be the most technologically advanced nation in the world but can't deal with credit cards efficiently. Another sigh.

  Ok, rants over. It was a great trip and I worked very hard to ensure you all got a taste of everything we did and everywhere we went. I just thought this would be a good time to see behind the scenes. Till next time.